Lately I have been feeling myself disappearing. Well, not all of myself, but definitely certain aspects. The “mommy” side of me is thriving. I love spending time with my children, being there to witness all the milestones, the funny sayings, the sweet moments that make my heart burst with love and pride. I’ve become very interesting in learning about and helping to spread hard facts (rather than just rumors and “common practice”) regarding VBAC’s and birthing options in the United States. (More on this coming soon – I have a lot to say on the subject!)
The thing is, I’m beginning to feel decidedly two-dimensional. EVERYTHING I do all day revolves around birthing and raising children. All my friends are parents of babies and toddlers – which is great until I just need a day to talk about something other than breastfeeding or baby nap schedules. My Facebook feed is overwhelmed by posts from parenting pages and VBAC forums. I quite literally have nothing to talk about that is not mommy related.
I use to be more interesting than this. I used to have a job – a fulfilling and rewarding, life-or-death job. A place I would go where the vast majority of my coworkers did not have kids and we would talk about the ethics of certain patient care decisions or things in the news. I used to watch the news (now it makes me cry). I used to go to concerts and listen to music that didn’t have to be pre-screened for “family friendliness.” I used to wear jeans that weren’t designed to hide my perma-muffin-top (thanks again, c-section) and shirts that weren’t carefully selected for easy breastfeeding access. I used to wear dangly earrings and cute coordinating necklaces instead of studs and necklaces designed to be chewed on by teething munchkins and entertain nursing
parasites babies. I used to be a three-dimensional person.
The thing is, I like being this mommy-centered person. I love it, actually. I am incredibly grateful that I’ve had the chance to be home with my daughters for so long. To be so involved with their lives. There is quite literally no one in this world who knows them better than me. But I don’t want that world twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, on and on with nothing else, ever. I want to live in the world of adults too. The world of well-rounded people with a variety of things to do and talk about and know. An afternoon to myself once a week or a night out here and there with (mommy) friends is a really nice break, but it doesn’t really expand my horizons, if you know what I mean. I guess I’m just bored with the person I’ve become.
With all this in mind, I applied for a job. It was just a couple days ago and I haven’t heard anything back yet, but I’m hopeful. Eleanor no longer requires my constant presence as a food source (which was my main reason for quitting my job in the first place) and, mentally, I’m ready. Wish me luck.