Synchronized Sleep-Deprivation

I don’t know how they do it. One can’t even talk yet and the other is usually just babbling the latest mash-up of nursery songs and recited board book plots. Yet somehow, they must be communicating. Not just communicating, plotting.

Yes, I’m talking about my children. For the past few days, one of them will wake up and start crying or babbling through the monitor. Before I can even haul myself out of bed and get my slippers on, the other one wakes up too. It’s not like they can hear each other. Eleanor sleeps in the room across from ours on the main floor. Zoey sleeps in what is technically the master bedroom (i.e. the biggest room) in the basement, at the opposite end of the house. (For the record, we are not evil people who shut our toddler away in a basement. It is fully finished, warm and quiet. Also, we didn’t like the idea of leaving her alone on the main floor while we slept in the basement. Oh, hello Mr. Robber. Let us offer you our toddler, alone and unprotected. Yeah, no.) The point is, the sound of one waking up cannot possibly be what wakes up the other. It must be premeditated.

Anyway, so they both wake up at the same time and I am then faced with a conundrum: which kid do I go to first? Eleanor often wakes up happy and babbling, but I can’t leave her there for the 15-20 minutes it takes to coax Zoey out of her pj’s and onto the potty, then convince her to do something in the potty, then chase her down and wrestle her into clothes, and finally threaten her within an inch of her life if she doesn’t hurry up and get upstairs already there’s a hungry screaming baby waiting and mama has the hangries.

I’ve tried bringing Eleanor down to Zoey’s room to nurse but she’s gotten to the point where she is highly distractible. Meaning, every noise from Zoey has Eleanor popping off and craning her neck around to see what’s going on and then yelling madly when we both get drenched from the high pressure suction she just let loose. So I stopped doing that.

Inevitably, I end up going to get Eleanor and sitting there feeling guilty for always making Zoey wait while I listen to her repeat “Came back here mommy! Mommy, time to wake up mommy! Want to be awake! Open the door mommy!” through the intercom. In a very pathetic voice, mind you.

Then repeat this entire scenario a few hours later after nap time. Except, there will only have been 15 minutes where they were both simultaneously sleeping.

So, if anyone has any ideas of just how exactly these two little buggers are planning all this so I can nip it in the bud (who am I kidding? We’re past budding. This operation is in full bloom with carefully coordinated military-precision strikes) I would be really appreciative.

Also, I’m sorry for the recent blatant overuse of both italics and (parenthesis). But not sorry enough to stop. (Clearly.)

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